Regrets, I have a few

The one place I wish I could have been today.  She is way off in the distance near my grandparents. 

13 years ago today I lost my best friend.  The phone call I received that night changed my life forever.  I went from being a happy newlywed to a devastated young woman.

I will never forget the first time I met her.  I was 11 or 12 and it was around Christmas.  My sister and I had just come home to my Grandparents house after school.  I walked into the dining room and heard my grandmother saying that M had brought us presents.  I thought that was nice.   My grandmother's sister in law was named M and I thought that's who she meant.  It wasn't until I was about to rip into the gifts my grandmother stopped me and said, "No, I want you to meet M."  I remember thinking that it was a little strange and that my parents had just recently gone to her wedding but whatever.  The one gift I remember is a Cabbage Patch Kid.  A little boy with blond hair and blue eyes, just like my son.  Prophetic perhaps?  He sits on a shelf in my son's room.  I named my son after him in tribute to her.  I always loved the name and she had picked it out for me so it seemed fitting.  My sister gave her older daughter M as a middle name as her own tribute.  So had given us so much, we both wanted to remember her in our own special ways. 

She came into our lives at a volatile time.  My parents marriage was all but over but that didn't stop my mother from blaming M for the collapse of our family.  Furious fights between my parents ensued over my father's relationship with M and it was so bad that my father feared for the safety of me and my sister when we were with my mother.  She would become irrational and he was concerned that she would do something stupid like wreck the car and hurt all 3 of us.  I know that there was some back and forth between my mother and M but I don't have very good memories of it and I prefer to forget that unpleasant time.  In order to calm my mother and for the safety of his children my father ended his relationship with M.

Or so I thought.  I was 17 and my father one day just decided it was time to start teaching me how to drive.  More and more he would take phone calls at my grandparents house.  I spent a lot of my childhood at my grandparents and after my parents divorced my grandparents took care of us while my mother worked.  My grandmother and I started to become suspicious.  After a lesson my father said to me, "I am getting married and I want you to come, if you want to."  I immediately hugged him and said, "it's M, isn't it?  Of course I will.  I love you Daddy.  I am so happy for you!"  The catch, I couldn't tell my sister.  She was very close to my mother and still too young to deal with all the emotions and fall out surely to occur.

It was a beautiful June day M and my Daddy got married.  I was so happy I cried.  She was so happy that I was there and I was so happy to finally be reunited with her after all these years.  I had missed her.  So I kept my father's secret.  Life was good.  Then my grandfather died and the calm ended.  My mother felt that even though she was no longer married to my father that my grandfather had been her FIL and she was going to pay her respects.  My father had to tell her because there was no way that M wasn't going to be there.  The fallout was epic.  My mother was furious and started taping phone conversations between my father and I.  It was a very crazy time.

I moved out to go to college so my sister was left at home with my mother.  My mother would work long days and come home late.  My sister was tired of being alone all the time and would complain.  My mother's favorite saying was if you think it's all that great, go live with your father.  M and my Dad talked it over and invited my sister to live with them.  She told my mother who didn't take her seriously.  So one day my sister packed up her stuff and moved in with M and my dad.  My mom came home to a note and was stunned.  She never thought my sister was serious.  Serves her right.  I heard that threat my whole life.

I credit M for helping my sister make it through high school.  My sister is intelligent but needed guidance and support.  She also helped her apply to college.  My sister owes her for everything.  She is who is today because of M.  M was wonderful.  How do I adequately explain M?  She was highly intelligent, with a masters degree in Journalism with a heart of gold.  She was funny and had the greatest hug.  She had her problems though.  Her family life was difficult and it was due to her mother.  She did not live up to her mother's expectations, which I never did figure out what those were.  I only met her mother a few times, enough to know that I should be thankful she wasn't my mother.  She had a brother who walked on water.  Of course my father and her mother did not get along.  Bonus!  So that caused a lot of grief for M and actually resulted in her being hospitalized for a nervous breakdown my freshman year in college.  For all her flaws, she would have given us anything and everything we ever asked for or wanted.  I have a few coveted pieces of jewelery because she loved giving gifts.

I could not have pulled off planning my wedding without her.  She helped me so much.  Her best friend altered my dress and the best friend's husband was the photographer.  Her best friend's brother in law was the videographer.  My flowers were done by a friend of her mother's.  I remember sitting in the woman's livingroom with M picking out the flowers.  (M and I had picked out my dress years earlier, but that's a story for another time.)  The day before the wedding she and my dad helped my organize the favors and get the reception hall ready.  I surprised my husband with a real train around our wedding cake and the track I bought didn't have enough curve so she went out and bought more pieces.  Anything I asked her to do, she did.  She hated pictures of herself as she battled with her weight, but I treasure all of the pictures from our wedding as those are some of the few pictures I have of her and my father together.  She died 6 months after my wedding.  Of course she made sure my wedding announcement was in the paper.  That was so like her. 

I remember the last conversation we had.  She was unhappy and I told her that I loved her.  Whatever she needed to do and whatever made her happy, she needed to do.  No matter what that meant.  She never said exactly but I wonder if she was hinting at leaving my father.   It could have also been about her mother.  I didn't care, I just wanted her to know I loved her no matter what.  I put off calling her to let her know we wouldn't be home for Easter that year because I didn't want to disappoint her.  I ended up leaving a voicemail for her at work.  One she would never receive.  I left it the morning she died. 

The phone rang late that evening.  We had just rented a movie.  My husband picked it up.  I don't really remember much other than my father was crying.  I was just sick.  I couldn't wrap my head around what was happening.  My sister was 20 minutes down the road and I promised my dad I would go down and tell her in person.  That was the longest ride of my life.  When we got to the university, my sister wasn't in her room.  I asked her roommate to go find her.  She knew something was wrong and thought it was our greatgrandfather.  When I told her it was M, she nearly collapsed.  That was a late night.  We drove back home and slept a little.  Very early the next morning, we drove back down to pick her up to drive the 2 hours back home to see M and my dad.  Life would never be the same again.

My father was just a shell.  We took over from my aunt and uncle.  My sister dealt with his physical needs.  Making sure he ate, which he did very little of, that he slept, again which he did little of, and made sure he had clean clothes.  I took over all the financial arrangements.  We met him at the funeral home and that's where it all started.  I sat there and had to help pick a casket.  I have never been in the office before.  That was something the adults always did.  I had to do it though because my dad was just broken.  We finished the arrangements and I asked my dad about flowers and he said whatever I picked would be fine.  I picked beautiful pink roses and all her favorites.  I think of all the things I did, that was the saddest.  I went by myself and just cried uncontrollably.  Why was I picking flowers that go over the casket for M?  She was way too young to die.  Why did this happen?  What went wrong?  Saying goodbye was unbearable.  I was ripped in two but my father was hysterical.  I have never seen my father that way in my life.  It was heartbreaking.  Burying her was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.  I had to say goodbye to my best friend.

I miss her a lot.  I am the age she was when she died.  I know in my heart she is at peace and that helps me get through.  My father has remarried and is happy now.  My stepmom is a great fit for him and I like her a lot.  The door to the bedroom M and my dad shared is still closed and has been since that day 13 years ago.  I don't know for how long or when it will open again but I do know that things have forever changed.  I am forever changed.  I miss you M and I love you.